Birthday celebration

Here we are at my birthday dinner -- my first birthday as a Mom!

40 - it's just out there!

Well, here I am: turning a ripe ol' 32 years old today. I was trying to let this one slide by quietly but have to admit I do appreciate all the warm wishes and my fabulous family and friends. My dear friend Tiffany posted such a sweet item about me on her blog.

Yes, I'll be 40 in a mere eight years, but I have to acknowledge all the wonderful things in my life and feel I have accomplished a great deal in my 32 years. Who knows where I'll be or what I'll be doing when I hit the big 4-0 but I feel certain I'll be counting my many blessings.

'Working' from home

People who work from home must fib about the amount of work they actually accomplish. About four years ago, I spent a few months doing freelance work before going to graduate school and taking a part-time job with my current employer. I hated working from home. I was too easily distracted – dishes, laundry, surfing the net with no chance of anyone walking up behind me, a magazine, an episode of Murder She Wrote.

I could be lured away from the computer by just about anything. I quickly decided I needed to physically go to an office outside my home where other people were working alongside me.

Four years later, things have not improved and now I have a major – and legitimate – distraction in a 9-week-old baby.

Because my company doesn’t offer paid maternity leave, I needed to start back to work when Kate was 6 weeks old. So for two weeks, I “worked” from home. Last week, I was scheduled to head back to my office where I could actually work through a full day without having to stop and change a diaper. After three days in the office, Clint was called away to San Diego for a business trip. He was scheduled to stay home all week with Kate because she can’t get into the daycare center until April 14.

This week, Clint and I planned to trade off stay-at-home duties Monday through Wednesday until my mom arrived to keep Kate on Thursday and Friday. Well, Clint’s trip to the West Coast sort of through a monkey wrench in our carefully laid plans.

Now, I’m back working from home until Thursday. A typical day goes something like this:

9:30 p.m. Put Katherine to bed
4 a.m. Katherine wakes up to eat. Change diaper, feed Katherine
4:45 a.m. Put Katherine back to bed
4:47 a.m. Consider heading to the computer to get some work done before she wakes up again in a few hours.
4:47:30 a.m. Crawl back into bed … for a just a few more minutes.
7:30 a.m. Katherine wakes up to eat. (See how easily a few minutes can turn into hours.) Change diaper.
7:30 – 9:30 a.m. Feed Katherine, bathe and/or dress Katherine, attempt to eat some yogurt and brew some coffee while juggling baby in one hand. Take super fast shower while Katherine is occupied in her bed with some toys. Put makeup on and dry hair in record time (although these are optional if day doesn’t require leaving the house).
9:36 a.m. Put Katherine on toy mat, grab coffee and sit down at computer.
9:37 – 10:18 a.m. Work
10:18 a.m. Katherine fusses. Pick her up, maybe read her a story or walk around for a few minutes.
10:25 a.m. Put Katherine in swing next to desk.
10:25 – 11:15 a.m. Work
11:15 a.m. Katherine is ready to eat.
11:20 – Noon Feed Katherine
Noon – 1 p.m. Eat some lunch and watch TV. Clean out bottles, throw in a load of laundry. Check on dogs or let them out to use the bathroom.
1 p.m. Pick Katherine up and head back to office and toy mat. Katherine spits up and covers herself and me with a milky mess. Change clothes. More laundry.
1:15 p.m. Work while Katherine naps (yeah!)
2 p.m. Check laundry
3 p.m. Katherine starts to fuss. Read Katherine some stories and sing her a song. Try to check e-mail before time for a feeding.
4 p.m. Change diaper. Feed Katherine. May as well see who’s on Oprah today.
5 p.m. Feed dogs. Check work e-mail and catch up on a few things.
6:30 p.m. Eat some dinner (most likely cereal).
7 p.m. Change diaper. Feed Katherine. More laundry.
10 p.m. Change diaper. Feed Katherine and then put her to bed.
Start all over again.

OK, that’s not exactly how my day goes but it’s awfully close and gives you a good idea of how tough it is to work from home with a zillion distractions. Not to mention, it’s draining to be the constant caregiver with no husband to share the duties. Just wait until he gets home. I may get called off on a trip too.

So sweet

I couldn't resist posting this photo of Katherine. She was dressed up and ready for church this morning.

A newborn's conversation with God

I received several encouraging e-mails after my post “Could I really be someone’s mother?" It’s comforting to know lots of moms feel unsure and nervous about motherhood.

One friend sent me the following poem and I found it particularly touching. It’s important to remember God sends us our children. He has a plan for their lives and it includes us as their parents. For some reason, God gave me Katherine. He has a great plan for her life and needs me to be her mother and help her fulfill that plan.

A newborn's conversation with God

A baby asked God, 'They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?' God said, 'Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.'

The child further inquired, 'But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.' God said, 'Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy.'

Again the child asked, 'And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?' God said, 'Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.'

'And what am I going to do when I want to talk to yo u?' God said, 'Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.'

'Who will protect me?' God said, 'Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.'

'But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.' God said, 'Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.'

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, 'God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name.'

God said, 'You will simply call her, 'Mom.'

Snow in Ohio

Katherine and I spent two weeks visiting my family in Ohio. To my delight, it snowed about 3 inches one day. It was just enough snow to be pretty and for sledding down the driveway! And Katherine had a chance to wear her pink snowsuit.

Could I really be someone's mother?

Motherhood is by far the most difficult of life’s transitions. All other events in my life – the ones I thought were huge – pale in comparison: two college degrees, moving across the country, getting married, buying houses. None of these events have taken such a toll on me as realizing I’m someone’s mother.

Some women just seem to fall naturally into being a mom. They barely seem to flinch when it comes to taking care of a baby. Sure, some women probably put on a good show but I truly believe there are a group of women for whom motherhood is a calling. You know those women who have dreamed of having a baby since they were little girls playing with dolls. You know the moms who change diapers and wipe dirty faces without so much as a second thought.

I haven’t quite hit that stage just yet. And the jury is still out on whether I ever will. I have a beautiful baby girl. I was there to hear her first cries. I know she’s mine but I can’t help but feel as if I’m babysitting. Could I really be someone’s mother?

I’ve never been particularly domestic. I’m not a very good cook. I don’t do anything that requires a needle and thread. I’m not overly fond of cleaning (although I like a clean house). Let’s just say, June Cleaver I am not. So staying home all day with a baby has been tough for me. I just don’t see myself as a stay-at-home mom.

Next week I go back to the office and feel I’m ready. I’ve invested years of energy into my career and just can’t abandon it. In many ways, it was my first child. I’m hoping all goes well as I return to work and Katherine enters daycare in a couple of weeks. Will I feel some guilt for not being there for every moment of her early life? I’m sure I will. But would I feel even more guilt for not following what I believe is the best motherhood path for me? One of my friends says she believes she is a better mother because she works. I think it’s important for us to recognize our strengths and our weaknesses. Can I be a good mom and a working mom? I’ll certainly try my best.

These early weeks of being a mom haven’t come easily for me. They have been filled with doubts, questions and tears. But a little smile from my daughter helps – at least for a moment – ease some of the doubts and brush away a few tears.